Why Can’t We Get Along?
We can help with things that feel too small to talk about- like getting along with others. Please, reach out to us to schedule an appointment.
Disagreements are a normal part of everyday life. Gather more than one person in any room, even a virtual room, and given enough time, there will be variances of opinions. And this can be a powerful thing. Many of our innovative ideas come when we are exposed to fresh perspectives.
The Blame Game
The problem arises when we let our differences erupt into conflict, and start playing the blame game. At this point, it's no longer a matter of disagreement, but a struggle for power. And suddenly, we're just not getting along.
Learning how to resolve conflicts can lead to more cohesive work teams and healthier relationships at home.
But getting along, especially with those we don't particularly like, and definitely those we don't agree with, is easier said than done. Many of us are conflict-avoiders, so when disputes erupt, we shy away from resolve. A common tactic to avoid conflict is to place blame on the other person.
We learn at an early age that blaming can sometimes get us out of trouble...at least temporarily. As a child, pointing the finger at one of my ornery brothers "saved" me, countless times, from getting grounded, which made it appear to be a lucrative strategy! As we move into adulthood, many of us do not learn conflict resolution skills, and carry this childish behavior into our grown-up relationships, both at work and at home. It doesn't take long to realize that assigning blame becomes a hindrance to healthy, happy connections with others. Sure, the technique may seem to protect our self-esteem, but it does nothing to move us toward resolve.
In her article, Workplace Blame is Contagious and Detrimental, Susan Krauss Whitbourne shares this: "Unlike other games, the more often you play the blame game, the more you lose." Other studies show that casting blame is contagious, and negatively effects creativity and productivity [https://www.livescience.com/8018-workplace-blame-contagious-detrimental.html]. Nancy Colier, in a Psychology Today article, says this: "[Blame] blocks your personal growth, damages your relationships, and gets in the way of your own well-being." [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201601/4-steps-stop-blaming]
Avoiding Action
Blaming allows us to avoid action. Yet action is the very thing needed to heal rifts.
Pat Ladouceur, in an article entitled, Who's Fault Is It?, says, insightfully, "Blame separates people from your values, beliefs, and commitment. If the problem belongs to someone else, then you have a reason to dig in your heels. You miss an opportunity to grow, to stretch, to challenge yourself. You might miss a chance to change the way you think or act, or a chance to be deeply honest: by sharing your fear, or disappointment, or sadness in a heartfelt way." [https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/whose-fault-is-it-how-blame-sabotages-relationships/]
Ladouceur goes on to say, "Blame creates inaction. When someone blames, it’s as if they’re handing over control of the situation. “I can’t change until you do,” is the implicit message. The solution is in their partner’s hands."
Self-Awareness
We all blame others from time to time. It is a learned behavior, a very human behavior. But it is something we can learn to do less of. Self-awareness, the first competency of emotional intelligence, can pave the way toward growth. But sometimes we have blind spots, and may not recognize how often we're making someone else carry the responsibility for our own actions.
"People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.
-- J. Michael Straczynski
How do you know if you're a finger pointer? Try the following test, developed by Nancy Colier. Ask yourself these questions, and answer with either yes or no:
Would it be normal for you to respond to someone with a problem by telling him why he is to blame for his problem?
In relationships with friends and family, do you often find yourself pointing the finger? Do you tell others how and why they are wrong, using phrases such as You did it, or, It’s your fault?
When you confront difficulties or inconveniences, is it common for you to identify and ruminate over who or what is to blame?
When you are upset or in a difficult situation, do you frequently blame someone for making you feel the way you do?
Colier states, "If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you are a blamer. If you answered yes to multiple questions, then your blaming behavior may very well be compromising your relationships, your well-being, and your personal evolution." [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201601/4-steps-stop-blaming]
How did you do?
If you're a blamer, no shame. You are not alone. But if you are interested in growth, development, and relationship health, both at home and at work, at some point the blame has to stop. Whitbourne goes on to say this, "Learning to tell when you need to own up to your role in a bad situation will help you grow from your experiences, and ultimately help you achieve more fulfilling relationships." [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201509/5-reasons-we-play-the-blame-game]
Making Shifts
No matter how long you've been playing the blame game, you can start today to make a shift. Here are ten ways to get along with others better (and lay down the blame):
1-Set an intention to stop blaming. As with any goal, it's helpful to be clear about your intentions. Say it aloud, share it with a trusted friend, write it down. It could be as simple as, "I intend to own my own role in my conflicts" or "I intend to stop blaming others."
2-Tune in. Notice when you shift blame and take note. Is it when you are around a certain person? Is it only at work, or only at home? Is it when you know you've done something in opposition to your values? Is it when you are hungry, or tired, or emotionally spent? A great first step to stop playing the blame game is to simply notice when you blame, and why.
3-Develop your empathetic skills. It's hard to show empathy toward someone when you're angry with them...and it's the last thing you'll feel like doing! But try, difficult as it may be, to put yourself in their shoes. Ask open-ended questions as you seek to understand their perspective. Listen without judgement and ask clarifying questions. You don't have to agree with what they are saying -- you just want to validate their feelings. The emotions they are feeling -- anger, frustration, irritation, injustice -- most likely are very similar to what you're experiencing. The feelings are legit -- as are yours. Express clearly, emphatically, and often, that you understand how they're feeling.
4-Seek a fresh perspective. Have you noticed that when you're in conflict, it's all you can think about? It's the first thing which pops into your head in the morning, and the last thing you ruminate on when you lie down to sleep. Sometimes it can even prevent a good, restful sleep! This consumption can be detrimental to conflict resolve, because the longer you obsess on a particular topic, the bigger and more difficult it seems to become. You need a breath of fresh air. Get outside, engage in some exercise, talk to others (about anything but the conflict), watch a movie, read a book...anything to help you get your brain off the topic for a reprieve. Taking a 'break' enables you to step back and put your conflict into a larger-world perspective.
5-Name it to Tame it. Often when we shift blame, it's to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as guilt, shame, hurt, disappointment, anger, etc. I get it. Negative feelings are no fun! Which emotion(s) are you attempting to avoid by pointing your finger? Be specific. Try to think of these emotions, as much as they may make you squirm, as dear friends, willing to tell you the truth. Emotions provide valuable insights into what's really going on. Instead of stuffing them inside or pretending they're nonexistent, allow yourself to name them, feel them, and note why they are there. Journal or talk to someone about these emotions.
6-Learn to say "I'm sorry". Yes, they're two of the hardest words to say when you feel wronged, yet so very powerful. Obviously, conflict is rarely one person's fault. The Latin root of the word speaks for itself. Conflict comes from assimilated form of com "with, together" (see con-) + fligere "to strike"[https://www.etymonline.com/word/conflict#:~:text=conflict]. Remember, it takes two to tango. Own your contribution to the problem --even if you didn't 'start it' -- and apologize for the hurtful things you've said and done. Don't wait for the other person to apologize first, because you may be waiting a long, long time. You can't control their actions, but you can control yours.
7-Take Constructive Action. Instead of ruminating 'round and 'round on who's fault it is, instead, shift your focus on what you can do to turn things around. Read a book on conflict resolve. Enroll in a class. Take on a new project. Help them out. Offer a kind word. Treat them to lunch. Not only will constructive actions help you focus on something other than the conflict, your energy will be repurposed elsewhere, pointing the way to personal and professional growth.
8-Decide to forgive. There is a phrase, "Hurt people hurt people." Each of us have been hurt at some point or another, and each of us (whether wittingly or unwittingly) have hurt others. Recognize that conflict happens, and, even if someone is not owning their role in it, you can still choose to let go of trying to bring some sort of punishment or penalty upon them. It doesn't mean you need to become best friends. But you can free yourself by forgiving yourself, and the other person, for the poor behavior.
9-Seek out the help of others. Don't feel like you have to go it alone. Behavior change is much more palatable -- and effective -- when you have others walking alongside you. Enlist the help of a coach or counselor. Find a trusted friend or colleague who will speak the truth, and spur you along your new path. Choose a mentor and spend time learning from them.
10-Celebrate your wins. Congratulate yourself when you are able to own your role in conflict, and stop assigning blame. Big changes consist of small, day-to-day steps in the right direction. Try reflecting on your improvements at the end of each week, and keep a journal detailing your growth. Share your successes with a trusted friend, family member, or mentor and find ways to celebrate your growth.
Shifting habits such as blaming others can be difficult to do, and does not happen overnight. Offer yourself grace as you move in a new direction. You may never reach 'perfection' (does it even exist?), but keep moving, step by step, toward a new way of behaving. In doing so, you'll begin to experience new levels of health in your relationships -- and find that you actually can get along with others...even if you don't agree with them!
“Everybody is responsible for their own actions. It’s easy to point the finger at somebody else, but a real man, a real woman, a real person knows when it’s time to take the blame and when to take responsibility for their own actions.”
