Rangeline Road
My entire childhood spanned a few miles radius surrounding Rangeline road where, on either side you were met with nothing but fields of corn. The corn even grows so high that it is a perfect cover for all the small-town secrets that are born from the abuse that runs generations deep. These places are so hidden in the depts of the corn, they’re not even visible to the people who stay. When I left Rangeline Road at age 18, I left all the damaged parts of my soul scattered within those small towns and it is there where I run there to collect those horcruxes’. This is my responsibility.
A wonderful therapist is the one who planted the seed that I have an obligation to myself to heal and transform out of these small towns. My obligation is to chase those parts of my soul that are still trapped on Rangeline but for quite some time I didn’t know how to do that when it wasn’t even safe to be there mentally. When my mind went back, my body would cry out and ache from the pain. It’s amazing, really, how the body reacts to memories of the past. I wasn’t sure how to rescue myself when I couldn’t even physically handle the memories. Now I know that it is just a process.
You know, I can still close my eyes and still feel the sensation of driving down Rangeline; the way my stomach turns over the bumps, the way the other roads branched off, forbidden from entering, the way you knew who was in every car you passed and yet they still couldn’t ever see you… I can even still feel the sensation of being invisible. When I close my eyes to chase horcruxes’, it is easy to become trapped on Rangeline again. I do, however, have better tools to help myself now, at age 28, but it isn’t ever an easy process, even with therapy.
One way I help myself become unstuck now is by practicing turning the car onto those other forbidden roads that I remember seeing. If I can keep turning the car, and I can eventually move away from Rangeline road, I can find my way back to my safe and secure present because all roads lead to other roads. Someway, somehow, I know that Rangeline road will lead to the road I am on now. I remember hearing my husband tell this, all roads lead to other roads, to our inquisitive daughter once and thinking to myself, what if he could have told me that 20 years ago? I will never know the answer, but I did at least arm myself with that statement the next time I went back to the secrets hidden under the tall corn.
Every time I go back, I am in more and more in control of driving the car as I chase the parts of my soul who are still stuck in small town USA. Sometimes, the process feels so painful that I must leave and come back repeatedly. I keep coming back until that part feels safe enough knowing who I am. Then, we will turn the car together, leave Rangeline, and that part of me can be free to experience a life outside of those hidden secrets of generational abuse. Most importantly, I am building the relationships with my parts that they never could have and for me this is the process that creates change.
I am thankful for the parts of my soul that exist outside of my body. They have kept me safe.
“Dissociation is the common response of children to repetitive, overwhelming trauma and holds the untenable knowledge out of awareness. The losses and the emotions engendered by the assaults on soul and body cannot, however be held indefinitely. In the absence of effective restorative experiences, the reactions to trauma will find expression. As the child gets older, he will turn the rage in upon himself or act it out on others, else it all will turn into madness.”