Question Series. Week One.

Here we address the questions we have received over time from our email subscribers. Become a part of our question series every week, by subscribing here.

Question 1:

I love my spouse, but lately, it feels like we're on different pages when it comes to our teenager. How do we align our parenting styles and connect with our teen as a team?

It’s okay if you disagree. I don’t think we are supposed to necessarily always agree.  We bring different perspectives, which is important when navigating your child's development.   

Begin a conversation with the reality that it is okay that we disagree.  Parenting needs different perspectives.  Come ready to listen, consider, and learn.  Raising children carries with it a lot of anxiety; they are our most precious gifts. They aren’t always our most pleasant but are our most precious.   

First. Name their strengths.  Yes, our kids can be maddening. Put that aside for a moment and name their strengths; the things that come easily to them. Maybe they would understand best if they were talked to and explained.  Maybe they understand best through a metaphor or personal experience.  Maybe they are experiential and need to do it before they can listen and understand. We can often lean on our strengths to grow in another area of life.  

Second.

Ask your partner if they could explain their concerns so that you can understand their perspective.  This is the hardest part. Put your opinion aside and really try to understand.  Then feed it back to them and see if you have it. 

Years ago, I was rather discouraged and actually in tears about our two sons.  I felt we were losing them.  I went and told my husband.  He asked why I thought this, and I explained.  He smiled and said NO!  We are winning.  I was shocked.  I was clearly confused and still crying. He then went on to explain what it is like for teenage boys. (I have never been one.) He explained how to think about it. Then he explained what was happening.  I will never forget that moment.  I needed that perspective.  Then, of course, we had our little girl! There was a lot of explaining the other direction in years to come.  

Third. Once your partner feels heard. Then ask if you can explain your concerns.  Be careful to explain not just your current concerns but long-term concerns.  Be ready to accept that some of your fears may be irrational or not something to be afraid of yet.  

Fourth. Consider where they are developmentally. Set bite-size-piece expectations.  You are building something, and that takes time.  With kids, it is always about the long haul.  Don’t try to conquer in a day what takes years to build.  Rome wasn’t built in a day. 

Tip to Consider:  

• Avoid accusing your partner. 

• Avoid analyzing your partner. 

• Think the very best of your partner. 

• Avoid the words always, never, and forever. 

• Use often, sometimes, at times. 

• Be ready to accept that your concerns may be based on fear.  

• Take time to consider your partner’s perspective. 

Author: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Theressa McMorris