"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." -- Ancient Proverb
If you're human, you've most likely experienced the feeling of let-down when something you hoped for didn't work out. Maybe it was that perfect job you wanted but didn't get, or that relationship that finally seemed like the right one yet fell apart, or an offer you made on your dream house which wasn't accepted. Maybe it was the chagrin of watching your teammate get promoted instead of you. Whatever the reason for your disappointment, the feelings of despair that accompany it can wreak havoc on your soul.
Unfortunately, when disappointment hits, we tend to turn inward and allow our self-doubt to be triggered. "What's wrong with me? Why does this always happen to me? It's because I am ____ (fill in the blank with your go-to negative quality)!" are just a few of the responses that may be going round and round in your head.
“There are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand.” ― Sarah Dessen
Though disappointment can be difficult, there's no reason to let it leave you disillusioned. If you're in the middle of a heart-sick event, here are some things you can do to help with the healing process:
- Feel what you're feeling. Instead of trying to stuff your emotions inside, or pretend you're not hurt, allow yourself to feel. Name the emotions you are feeling and accept them as part of the process. It's OK to let the tears flow. "Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance." (https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-crying-good-for-you#1). So grab the box of tissues and open the floodgates!
- Write it out. Grab your journal and write about what went down. Include as many details as possible, and as you describe what happened, use "I" statements, telling the story from your perspective. Describe the feelings it evoked. Can you make a connection to what you felt and why you felt it? Write about that, too. Sometimes just getting it all down on paper can help you make sense of the event.
- Talk it out. If appropriate (and safe!), and your feelings are in control, you may want to have a conversation with those involved in the offense. Lay your judgments aside and try to have an open mind to their viewpoint. Try to use "I" statements when talking about the event ("When you said this, I felt...", etc.) and ask them questions for clarity. Avoid name calling, yelling, and finger-pointing. Remember the purpose of this conversation is to come to an understanding of both sides of the story.
- Find a friend. Often it's helpful to have someone outside of the situation to talk to about the upset. Find a trusted friend, counselor or coach, to discuss your feelings. If you can, try not to defame the other person(s) involved, instead, focusing on the role you played in the situation. Having someone else listen, nod, and say "I see why you're feeling that way", can bring much comfort and assurance that you're OK.
- But be careful with whom you talk to. It's one thing to find a trusted friend or counselor for support, but be wary of sharing the story over and over with everyone you meet, opening up the opportunity to trample upon those involved. There's no need to make the situation worse by spreading it around. You may think it makes the other person involved look bad, but it's really a negative reflection on yourself. Posting about it on social media, especially before your heart is healed, is probably not a good idea, either.
- Try not to ruminate. It's easy to replay the scenario of disappointment over and over in your mind, which only will reproduce the negative feelings you're working through. It happened. Once. No need to keep reliving the event if it's not serving you well to go through it again and again. When you find yourself 'going there' in your mind, try moving your thoughts to something more uplifting.
- Avoid always and never. When disappointment hits, it's easy to think "this always happens to me", or "this will never get resolved." If you can, eliminate these two words from your vocabulary and recognize that this particular instance is a one-time event. Instead, focus on possible positive outcomes.
- Don't play the blame game. When we feel bad, blaming someone else for the incident can seem like an effective pain reliever. However, research says differently: "Unlike other games, the more often you play the blame game, the more you lose." (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201509/5-reasons-we-play-the-blame-game). This goes for yourself, too. Yes, own the role you played, but don't go down the road of letting blame turn into shame.
- Accept that it happened. What's done is done. Though you may wish you could roll back time and make it go away, accepting that it happened--and putting it in your past-- will help you move forward. We all make mistakes -- you do, others do, and we all are capable of hurting each other with our words and actions. Accepting that disappointment is a normal part of interacting with others can help relive the anger and resentment you may be feeling.
- Choose your ending. Ask yourself, "How can this help me grow? What is one thing I can now do that I couldn't before the incident? What did I learn and what will I not repeat? How can this have a positive effect on my empathy? In a perfect world, what would my next steps look like?" Though the event is probably not one you would've picked out for yourself, you can choose how the story ends. Brainstorm all possible positive outcomes, and if you're struggling to come up with any, ask a trusted friend for help. Sometimes those on the 'outside' can see the bigger picture and remind you of reasons why this may be a good thing in disguise.
- Forgive -- yourself and others. Easier said than done, I know, but deciding to move on will bring you the peace of mind you need and deserve. Forgiveness isn't about pretending it didn't happen, but letting go of the need to punish yourself or others for the wrongdoing. “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” ― Alexander Pope
I get it. It's tough to experience disappointment. But we can do hard things. And the rewards of working hard to move through and on past your disappointment will be well-received.
“Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those that do come out stronger."―Chetan Bhagat